// Adrenaline is coursing through me, filling me with energy
and, I hope, propelling me toward my goal. I’ve worked and studied and wrestled
with this material. Now it all comes down to this. I’m ready to show my stuff.
This is generally how tests go for me. But there’s this one
recurring nightmare that revisited again just a few weeks ago. Though it has
been almost 11 years since I graduated, still it haunts me. As I approach the
end of the semester I realize that there is one college class I’ve completely
forgotten about! It’s too late to drop the class, I’ve missed basically the
whole thing, and now it’s time for the final.
I am so completely unprepared. I haven’t studied for this.
It’s completely new and completely terrifying. I have no idea what to do.
Instead of adrenaline I have panic shooting through my heart, cutting off my breath.
//
It’s just a dream. It’s just a dream. It’s just a dream.
My heart will slow down in a minute and I will laugh at the
monster who is revealed to be nothing but the tree branch scratching against the
window once daylight comes. This is a common dream, I have heard. Except… it’s
not as much of a dream as I think.
Because this is what motherhood is.
There is no preparation for the deep passion you will feel
toward this tiny being. No studying for the pain that will grip your heart at
any thought of her harm. There’s no fail-proof instruction manual to tell you
how to do this right in all the little particulars. There is no list to
memorize so you can spit it back out when the test comes.
There is just the startling panic of awakening to the fact
that this LIFE is now your responsibility and depends on you for everything.
And you have no idea what you are doing. Maybe you read some books and articles
and felt prepared. But when they send you home with your tiny, infinitely
precious bundle all those words feel empty and powerless.
Motherhood is the scariest test I have ever faced.
I was so unprepared for it and even now, almost 10 years in,
I feel at such a loss much of the time. I’ve discovered certain rhythms that
work for us…. for a season. And then I’m faced with some new problem or stage
of life and I deal with the feeling of being in uncharted territory for the
hundredth time.
Perhaps that is why I continue to be haunted by this
nightmare again and again. Maybe the academic world of years past is just a
representation of the pressures I feel as a mother – pressures of being tested
and judged to see if I measure up, pressures of learning new skills but with
the stakes oh so much higher.
But there is a greater reality that I wake up to when I stop
to remember the truth.
I am not being tested, I am being carried. The
responsibility for these precious lives does not rest on me alone. I, too, am a
child, being led and taught by a loving Father. He has shouldered the burden
Himself and He graciously invites me to step into the yoke beside Him as He
leads the way and carries the load. What a privilege to be such an intimate
part of what He is doing in the lives of my children! What a relief that it does not depend on me.
And once again the light chases away the darkness – the panic
of that nightmare is lifted, as it always is, by a good look at the truth.
For more '31 Days' Posts click here or on the tab at the top of the page.
For more '31 Days' Posts click here or on the tab at the top of the page.
Loved this - "I am not being tested, I am being carried."
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